zzz

I’ve been having trouble falling asleep recently, and when I finally do fall asleep, I have trouble staying asleep.
I’ve been going to bed around nine and ten o’clock at night, it started because the troubles of the day never went away. I sleep hoping that the next day will be better. It rarely is but I try to escape it by going to my slumber earlier.
Once I finally give up on trying to stay asleep the next morning, I check my phone for that one text which determines the rest of the day.

When I finally had a good day, which honestly wasn’t anything special just less painful, I ended up staying up at my normal time again.
Around 12 a.m.. You hadn’t noticed it was because I didn’t want to sleep yet, actually enjoying my night.
But I got the text that determines my day, I tried to avoid it but you pushed some more. Wanting me to go to sleep not realizing that the only reason I went to sleep so early was your fault.

But that text then changed my night, which caused me to most certainly want to go to sleep, not wishing to be awake anymore.

I keep waking up in the middle of my sleeps. Due to dreams, discomfort, my thoughts wandering, my mind never getting over what you said. The words you planted in my brain causing them to repeat, trying to figure out why you said it, if you’re right this time, what could happen, what is happening, if I should leave because it’s ruining me, if you’re going to leave. Just a million thoughts that will never get their answers, not the ones they want at least.
My sleep is even controlled by your words at this point, I sleep to escape what you say but it never leaves, even there..

I toss and turn, holding my blanket for some comfort that I know I will not get.
Staring into blackness. Listening to the same silence every night, causing a slight ring in my ear when there’s nothing to listen to.
But the only thing I can hear is my mother’s breaths, which eventually turn into snores, keeping me awake even longer.

But this is just a.. story. A tale of mine.. of me. I hope you have a goodnight sleep.

Goodnight Darling.

I attempt to sleep replaying that you said you’ll be there when I wake.