The First Page Test

“The first page test”
The first page test is something my teacher does.
Before he buys a book he picks it up and reads the very first page to test if he likes it or not. If not, he just puts it back down and goes onto the next book.

If only we could do the first page test with people.
But instead of the first page being something intriguing and lovely, it shows how the story ends. Or how the story unfolds.
Showing the parts of the story you won’t enjoy, introducing you to the ugly bits. Warning you perhaps.
If only we had a trailer for each person. Or a trailer of the story you two will create.

If only we saw the person you became while being with them before you became that future you.
If only we saw the comparison of the different people you became.
Before, during, and perhaps after. Weighing the pros and cons…

“If only”. Yeah, if only.
If only’s are the things that you want to be real when the aren’t. “If only” is just something you imagine, like throwing a coin into a wishing well that will never grant your wish.

I could focus of what could be real, but that’s just ignoring what actually is real. While creating a perfect world of “if only” I’m just trying to ignore the things that are actually real because it all sucks.
“Ignoring”…I ignore that word a lot.
I ignore that little part of me that tells me to stop ignoring those red flags.
That part telling me over and over again every time I look over those red… things.. those red things that, don’t, even exist. Yeah what was I even talking about right?

Those red “things” that you hide around each corner.. Those red things that you dangle in front of my face as if I’m some blind person.
You do that because I am some blind person, I refuse to see what you do. I am blind. What do I see? And what do I see in you? What do I see with you?
Of course I only see the part of you that has the key to my heart and soul.

The part of you that makes me want to stay is so powerful.
It’s more powerful than the part of you that makes me want to leave you, but I don’t want to just leave you anymore.. I want to leave everything, not like leave everything behind but just leave. Leave Earth and everything beyond life and death.

The you I love is stronger, for now. That “other you”, the other you that you claim is not really you, has more power now that I think about it… it has more power over me.

Whether he’s strong enough to make me want to stay or not, you will always be strong enough to kill me, using me as the chosen weapon.

But what I see is the marks you’ve left, the ones on my skin.. the ones in my lost head, my heart.. my soul.. my soul is slowly giving up.
I even see that you planted something binding us together, something not allowing me to leave.
Something that will keep us together forever. I hope not forever, or maybe I do hope so..
I don’t even know.

I do not know.
You don’t know.
You don’t know anything.
You don’t know everything about me, why must you insist that you know me better then I know myself?
You don’t know me at all.
Not anymore.
And how could you? I don’t even know myself.

You don’t know how confused I get because of you.
Confused isn’t even the best word to describe it.
Now I’m confused again…

Maybe the next page will be better?
Well that’s for you to never find out! Not until it’s done anyways…

If there were actually trailers and tests to a new person, wouldn’t everyone just skip to the end?
Or would they just wait to find out like the rest of us?
Would they read on from the first few words until the end in hopes of a happy ending?
The first few intruiging pages..

Ah yes, the first page test..
The first page test wouldn’t even work with people would it?
It would only show the appealing parts of the person.
It wouldn’t show what I have become.
It wouldn’t show what they start to do to you, or how you reacted to them doing things.
It wouldn’t show how you just stopped reacting.

You wouldn’t see yourself break because of that person.
And you never will see it until it’s too late.
Not until you’re saying “I don’t know” to a simple question of “how are you?”.
Not until you’re opening your mouth to try to let out the pain when no one is looking but only a raspy whisper comes out.
Not until you can’t even explain what’s wrong when someone asks. Because there are no words that can describe the pain.
Not until you don’t want to exist.

When I meet someone new I’m constantly swapping memories and stories with them to create a bond. I tell them about the people of my past that hurt me, repeating those painful names to this new person hoping that this new one won’t be the same.
And they never are the same, they become their own name that I repeat to the next new person.
“Don’t be like my father” “Don’t be like her” “Don’t be like my ex”.
But soon enough I’ll be telling the next person not to be like you.

The first page…