Dream visit

“I think I want to call him”. And there I was again, next to you. In a dream. But in a place that I’ve never seen before. It was a prison or a jail but it looked nothing like one, I was in a big room that was mostly empty, it had boxes and stacks of things. There were big windows around the room but everything was grey and dusty, yet light. There was a perfectly fine working elevator but it had the looks that it had been abandoned. And you were there, I was visiting you. I didn’t visit you because I still want you, I just want answers for things that have no real answer. No real answers and no real reason but I want to be validated, by you. Because all you would ever did was invalidate me and hide such important details, lie to me, and cheat on me countless times with an unnumberable amount of people. And you would make me feel like I was going crazy, I was going crazy, I felt like there was no answer and no real help. I was going crazy but everything that was happening was real. I came to visit you to ask you questions, but all you ever did was lie to me. You finally admitted that to me after everything was ruined. You had finally grown some balls, but they seems to stop growing because that was the only truth that you had ever told me. “I lied about everything” is what you said. You never told me the truth about anything else.

I expected that when I asked you these questions that you would still lie, but you didn’t act like the same person. You seemed peaceful and defeated, you seemed like you finally knew everything that you did was unforgivable. Unforgivable, I don’t know if I ever will forgive you but right then you just seemed to understand that you were wrong. You understood that you were terrible.

I expected you to get mad at me, cast me out, break me down, ruin me once more, but you didn’t. You sat and listened and watched me speak. I’ve cried over you a thousand times, I still cry. The weight of everything that you’ve done to me shatters me, every time I think about it. But when I was with you in this dream, actually with you and saw you for the first time in two-hundred and forty-two days, I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry or breakdown, I was almost certain that I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing you again. But I did it, it wasn’t hard, I didn’t cry when I saw your face again, and I didn’t cry when I spoke to you about the things you did to me. I didn’t cry when I asked you questions and I didn’t cry when you gave me the answers. Nor did I cry when you didn’t have an answer.

I didn’t cry then but you cried. You always used to cry. You used to tell me how terrible of a person you were and you would cry over how terrible the things you’ve done was. You would cry from the pain of how much you hated yourself. You would tell me about how much you wanted to end your life, you would show me your freshly wounded wrists. You showed me your legs when you cut them for the first time. There was no blood, your leg skin was too thick you said. I cried every time I saw that you cut yourself, hysterically cry. I hated it, I hated how much you hurt inside, I hated how much you hated yourself. I hated the thought of losing you, it crippled me. I cried so hard from your leg cuts, you promised me that you wouldn’t ever do that to your legs, you told me you were too scared. I was shattered when it happened. You told me that I saved your life on so may occasions, I saved your life and you took away my innocence. I saved your life by making you want to live and I saved your life by literally holding you while you had seizures and you kept passing out, you said your heart had stopped and I gave you CPR even after I knew you cheated one me and raped me. I still saved you.

Visiting you in the prison, in my dream, I asked so many questions, I don’t remember your answers. You admitted that you were wrong, you admitted that you cheated on me a lot. Neither of us cried until I told you that you are a rapist. I thought you were crying to make me feel bad for you, that’s what you always used to do. You would cry to make me weak and then you would tear me down and force me to believe whatever you told me. You hurt me. But you weren’t crying to manipulate me this time, you were just genuinely sobbing, you did for about a minute, while being hunched over into yourself. And when you were wiping your tears away because you knew I was right, you told me “I know”. You knew that I knew you cheated on me, you knew that you are a pedophile, and you knew that you are a rapist. And you hated it.

The dream ended by people coming in and telling you that you had to leave, I thought that you would be right back but I never got to say goodbye. Just like I never got to say goodbye in real life.

This visit was actually okay, I was no longer scared of you. You were just there, you weren’t the person I thought you were anymore, you were just there listening to me. For a small amount of time ,the light from one of the big windows was shining on you and I once again thought you were beautiful. Just like I used to. I used to dream about you, I still do quite often. But when we were something, I would have various dreams, but the ones that stuck out the most were the dreams I would have about you cheating on me. You were cheating on me in my dream with the person you actually cheated on me with. And I knew. I only knew when I was told but my body and mind knew. I had a full-on panic attack for the entire time of you two sleeping together.

My dreams were correct, but now I’m having a dream about you again. I’m giving myself the closure that you never gave me.