I open my eyes and all I see is black, fuck, it’s still early. Too early to get up. I want to sleep, I was probably asleep for about an hour or so, but it’s pitch black out so I know it can’t be morning soon. So why the fuck can’t I fall asleep? I feel fully awake, I feel scared and calm, and I feel angry but really happy. Why am I feeling like this? My eyes feel tired, but my body feels normal and my brain won’t shut the fuck up. Maybe it’s later than I think it is, maybe it’s almost 5 in the morning. If it is then I’ll get up and start my day. Before I check the time, I embrace the moment, move towards the side of my bed to move my curtain and look outside. First I look down, I can’t see much, it’s darker than I like it to be. There’s no other lights near me, thank God I don’t live in the city, I hate light polution. I look up and see millions, billions, probably trillions of stars, I can’t even count higher than that but just understand there’s a shit ton of stars. Maybe some planets too, I’m not that smart, I can’t tell the difference. I look around some more, in awe, of course. And I look for my beloved friend, my best friend. The most stunning thing anyone can lay their eyes on, the moon.
My best friend, the moon, is small now, sadly it’s not full from the earth’s view tonight. No shit it’s almost pitch black out, the moon is hiding in a slim shape. Tonight is probably the moon’s smallest night.
At least I got to see my friend, a sliver of my friend. I go back and close my silky curtain. I roll back to the middle of my bed, maybe I can sleep now. Shit, I forgot to check the time, it’s probably not that early right? I roll over to my alarm clock and look. “1:37 a.m.” are you fucking kidding me, I feel wide awake and I thought it was much later and it’s not even 2 in the fucking morning? Time is annoying, and my guessing skills need to go to collage. How can I have been off that much with the guessing? Whatever, no point in dwelling.
I get up, slip my ugly but suprisingly comfy granny lookalike slippers on and walk into the bathroom with my phone. Man I can’t even go to the bathroom without my phone, what is wrong with me? “23 New Notifications” I see, one from my mom, she doesn’t care about me in the slightest but she thinks that I think she cares. I used to believe that she cared, used to. She sent me a GIF sendning me a “virtual hug”, man that’s cute right? It would be cute if she ever made the effort to actually hug me, she hasn’t hugged me in over 7 years. And I see her about every weekend. I continue looking through my notifications, as if I’m famous. I feel famous when I see more than 5 messages. What a joke. I got a text from my dad, and from 3 from my ex, what a bitch, 2 from a sex hotline, I probably should’ve kept that one to myself honestly.. I’m gonna open it, just to see what she said.. Oh. Oh? It’s her boobs.. again. I can’t complain, whether it’s the same angle or not it’s still boobs. This sex worker gets half my paycheck, why am I wasting my money and time on this adiction because I’m thinking with my fucking dick?
Oh but her boobs… No, enough is enough. Maybe just one last goodbye.. I open my camera and face it towards my brain, I mean my dick. I take the picture, eh it’s ugly but she asked to see it. I click send, I say to myself that’s the last time I message that sex worker.
I’m hungry, man I’m always hungry what’s new? I walk down the stairs and into my kitchen, it’s messier than I like it to be. I look in the fridge and I scan all my edible options, I say edible because half of this shit is expired. Eggs, I’ll make eggs, easy enough. I turn on the stove, clean my dirty, crusty pan and crack three eggs on it. At least it’s clean now, I need to clean the rest of my house. I go back into the fridge and grab ketchup, ketchup and hot sauce. I put both on my plate, and now the eggs are done.
I feel like my whole life is boring, I need to break some kind of chain within myself to make the change. Tommorrow, well I guess is later today, I will start off with breaking one chain. Taking a shower and cleaning my whole small house. This place is gross, I mean absolutely fucking disgusting. There’s dust everywhere, old food on the floor, actual dirt, and everything smells. The whole place feels and looks grey. There’s pizza boxes on the floor, crumbs everywhere, stains from God knows what on my couch. Even my bong isn’t clean.
This place used to shine, I’m not exaggerating about that. This place was spotless, I don’t know what happened. I mean I do know what happened, I was happy. This place did not feel or look grey, it was beautiful, there wasn’t an inch of dust or dirt anywhere. My home was white, not a mixture of random stains and colors, pure white. I felt white, if white had a feeling. Not the color of my skin, I’m not fucking racist. I say white because I feel like white is my happy color. Pure, I felt pure and happy… When I had you, you were my happiness. Yeah I know I shouldn’t rely on anyone or anything for my happiness but I didn’t think that my happiness would have come to an end. You were there for me, with me, always, no matter what I did you always stood by me. And I took that for granted. I didn’t think I needed you so I mistreated you. But you were the only good, perfect thing in my life. Now I have no one and nothing, nothing but myself, my eggs that look slightly grey, my small tree that I keep in a pot inside my house instead of planting it because I’m lazy and feel like digging a hole is impossible, my phone that has countless pictures of naked women, a mess that I always complain about but I don’t do anything at all to clean it up, and the moon that probably doesn’t even know I exist. But none of that matters because I only want you.
You were easy, and understandable. You communicated, and didn’t ask for much. You only asked for the bare minimum, at the time I felt like the bare minimum was way too much work to give someone. You were gorgeous, you are gorgeous. You are perfect in every way possible. Your eyes are a dark shade of brown, I could barely see your pupils, they looked like puppy eyes but also like a cat’s eye. And your hair was curly and black, you cut it yourself. Your hair surrounds your face perfectly, it bounces, it shines, and it’s frizzy when you wake up, and I find it the most adorable thing ever. Your body was perfection, your boobs were bigger than small but not big enough to be big, they hung low and have big nipples filling the space on your breasts, they are boobs I’ve never seen before on another girl and they’re the only boobs I ever want to see. You have curvy hips, and hip dips, I can’t describe how much I love your hip dips. You have cellulite, I loved to look at it and trace my fingers over all of your insecurities. Your body has stretch marks in random places, your stretch marks look like lightning bolts and tiger marks, they look magical and powerful. Just absolute beauty in each line. You have birth marks and beauty marks spread out on random parts of your skin. My favorite birthmark of yours is on your face, it’s not very noticeable but I notice it. It looks like space. And you’re short but only short when you’re compared to me. I knew every part of you like it was my own body, except I could never find your clitoris. That was like a map with no visible X marking the spot, I couldn’t find it. And you were never satisfied with me or our sex. I always wanted sex, I was always horny. You didn’t mind that I was constantly horny until I stopped being able to make you horny too. I was so consumed with my own dick and pleasure that I could no longer please you. I wanted what I wanted and I didn’t care what you wanted because I think with my dick and not with my heart or my head. I just want to go back to bed and open my eyes to white and not black or grey. I want to open my eyes to you, but you’re opening your eyes every morning to someone better, that treats you how I should have treated you.
True’s Short Stories 